Running back to Him...

I've fallen, but i'm gonna stand up. At the end of the day, i'll run back to God and i'm running back now. He's my refuge, my shelter, my hope, my strength. I can only say Amen to that.

sorry for the last 2 demoralising and pessimistic posts, think i might have scared some people off...but i'm fine now. i'm smiling at least =)

For the past few days, i felt really disappointed with myself. Felt that my world is crashing, felt so ashamed with my attitude with God, with love, with so many issues that bombard me incessantly. I felt so bogged down the past night...shed tears...sighed so much...and just felt lost. I questioned myself if i truly love God, if i truly have that faith in Him..questioned myself about who i am...why am i in such a state now? Where's my identity? Have i changed to become another person that i don't recognise anymore? I know myself that i'm easily influenced esp by people and the environment...that every influence i get seems to change a little part of me...so much so that as though i'm losing myself along the way. The thought made me cry, made me frustrated, ashamed and lost.

But as i bucked up my courage to swallow my tears and went for cell group just now, i begin to see things from a different perspective. I kept going to the toilet today, so i can msg you and just let the tears flow...i didn't wanna cry infront of anybody. I tried to swallow my tears and went for worship. As i sang, i felt comforted. God was consoling me...my eyes were teary but i did not cry. I know God was speaking to me this day. During cell group time, we discussed about prayer..what it takes to have a God centered prayer. And it dawned on me that God is speaking to me....this week, campus crusade dg also talked about prayer..and i've been troubled over prayer. coz i myself am truly aware that my prayer walk with God has been erratic. It's like a sine curve, going up and down. And recently, it was at its lowest.

Prayer for the last few months has been so routined. I pray with you everyday..but do i feel it in my heart? When i pray, it seems to be all about me..and not about God. Today i learnt that prayer is not merely presenting my requests to God, and letting God endorse it and approve it. Prayer is not about what we want...but about what God wants from us. In this life story of ours, we are not the main characters of the story...we're not the princess or prince, but rather, we're just one minor character..and the director of the story is God. He directs our life, and not us. We don't choose what we want, but we abide in God. God-centered prayer...how important it is.

Ben gave a really good analogy today. Imagine its christmas, and you secretly found out that your dad has bought a x box as a christmas present for you. And on christmas, you would obviously be happy that u got the x box even though you did not ask for it. Because your dad has bought it for you!

In the same way, God, as our father, already have good gifts installed for us. We, as His children, should abide in Him and know what He has for us, rather than asking it from Him. Prayer is not just about petition all the time...we don't just pray coz we want things from God..we don't just pray when we are desperate. In fact, we get desperate coz our walk with God hasnt been strong. And that really describes me..how i often pray when i'm struggling...

I believe God has spoke to me today. That He has provide a way out for me...He has clearly showed me that as i run back to Him, i have to first discipline myself and start having God-centered prayer...to talk to Him and be receptive of what He has to say to me. He has comforted my soul, took away my tears, abound me with love...and truly, He's the Father of all.

so friends, i hope my testimonoy will encourage us not to be afraid to fall. But realise that we have a loving God who is always there for us...let us be His beacon of light, be the salt and light of this world.

I'm gonna start a prayer journal...as my whole cell suggested. Think it would really allow me to see how God answers my prayers.

to you, please don't worry anymore. if God is with me, no one can be against me. Not even satan. Not the world. thank you for always being there. we'll walk this journey step by step, with faith, hope and love in our heavenly Father.